Can we call it a loan?

Early here in Maine, I should be in bed. But my bed is too short and its kinda cold here, lets make a deal. Thats the real reason I’m up at 4:30 in the am.You are a friend aren’t you, can we call it a loan? Please?

I want to borrow your legs. I will treat them real good I promise!! Better than they have ever been treated.Return them in real good shape, better shape than when you loaned them to me. Can we call it a loan? Please?

A year , a 1/2 year a 1/4 year, a month, a week, a day.an hour. hell even a few minutes, you make the call.

I miss ‘em. You have treated ‘em bad over the years.Forgotten what they mean to you. Can we call it a loan? I’ll borrow yours, let you rest in mine. You need the rest? Please?

I miss the things you take advantage of, the things that aren’t important to you anymore. I want to play basketball again. I want to walk the roads of Maine again. Mark ‘em out in the hot sun before I paint the lines. I can remember that so well.
Walking for miles,sweat streaming off me in the middle of summer. Gasping for air.Complaining about how tired I was. Can we call it a loan? Please?

Taking a stroll in December a bottle of Port wine in my coat(my b-day is in December) Maybe stop off in the park, sit on a bench. Cold.Frigid. Thinking about what I did wrong that year and what I need to accomplish the next. Nose starting to freeze,starting to run,but I don’t care. I’m healthy. Got my legs back. Can we call it a loan? Please?
I’ll return them in better shape than than you left’em, promise. I’ll even sign a contract. Nothin’but a thing. Doing legs and abs today at the Gym like I do every Friday. I’m pressing 260 lbs at 20 reps, start out out at 180 lbs at 45 reps and move up till I hit that 260 mark. Do leg extensions starting at 25 lbs at 25 reps till I end at 110 at 10 reps. Bike for 2 miles, plus a bunch other exercises. Pretty strong here, but maybe not strong enough. Can we call it a loan? Please?

You won’t say it, won’t admit it, but you know I’m right no matter what someone tells you to say or what your heart says. My cane defines me. I don’t want to be defined that way anymore. Whats the first thing you see when I walk in a room, My cane. I don’t want your help,although I may need it. Offer me help and I will refuse it. Here, allow me to HOLD that door for YOU!Can we call it a loan? Please?

I feel the eyes burn into my back, don’t deny it, I feel ‘em. And when you are not looking at me , trying to convey pity,I’m looking at me thinking about my next move. Three more steps to the bathroom, wall on the left so I can steady myself, cane in right hand. It took you two minutes to walk what took me 20 minutes,tired of this .beat down. Can we call it a loan? Please?

My determination cannot be matched! My focus is unsurpassed! I may be 44 but have the strength of an 18 year old! Very intelligent! Knowledgeable! Been places few have ever been and will never go! Give it all to you friend for your legs one year,one week, one day, damn one hour. You make the call.Can we call it a loan? Please? I beg you.

$20

Today’s writing prompt, as asked by Maine Publishers and Writing Alliance, is a creative one, inspired by the rough economy.  List the top ten things you would buy with your last $20.
 

It was hard for me at first to think 0f 10 things I would buy. The question to me was almost incomplete, unanswerable as is. Last $2o untill next payday? You have $20 left and you know your life is about to end? You have to spend $20  before the end of the world?

Took into account the glass half full attitude that I am so proud of especially in light of my disability and reasoned.

Last $20 untill payday? Nope. Kinda puts a negative spin on life huh? Makes you think your life is in decline and not a lot of hope to crawl u to the top right now.Well actually feel like that right now but I know myself, I’ve lived ‘me’ for 44 years. I’ll climb out. I’ll be on top. I’ll never live paycheck to paycheck.

 

You have to spend $20  before the end of the world? The only sensible thing really would be to keep it or throw it away really. No way you could do something to help someone, everyone would be dead. Couldn’t help yourself cause you would be dead. Yeah you could do something like fold it into a paper airplane($20)  or something you perceive to be symbolic but for who?

 

You have $20 left and you know your life is about to end, how would you spend it. Hmmmmmmm, the world will still be here . Relatives will still be here, friends. Means I lived a good life. The question makes me picture an older me. Gray in goatee, still very focused. Staring, peering almost scaring the receivers of such a look. Long hair spotted with gray as well. White Bandana. Round glasses. Looks tired, drained. Guitar accross my knee. reaching into the tye dye T-shirt pocket for my one hits. Packing the bowl while I listened …..and learned………

Now that I picture that its like Tommy Chong with hints of Dave Letterman.

….and now the Top Ten things you would buy if you have $20 left and you know your life is about to end:

10) A tank of gas so my son(s) can apply to a few more colleges. Its not the colleges they have applied to by any means, just their are so many options-explore!

9) A used baseball glove and ball. Don’t care if its a first baseman mitt, catcher mitt, whatever. Just want some leather on my hand . Wanna  be able to feel the ball smack my skin when my boys play toss with Dad. Never played ball with my youngest two and they graduate, will be gone.

An old OLD am radio that plays nothing but” When a man loves a woman” by the one and only Percy Sledge. Just want my daughter and me to waltz untill the breath leaves my lungs. No one around.Just me and her and the radio. When she was 1 year old and I was in the USAF in Alabama, it was just me and her home. Percy Sledge came over the radio and I picked her up from her crib and waltzed the tune. Specail. The disability took the legs but it will never NEVER take the heart!

7) Dunkin” Doughnuts rechargeable card for my mom. Seems kinda funny  and wouldn’t she be deceased? Remember who your talking to first, remember who I am. Not to  sound arrogant but remember she has to be twice the person I am, after all I came from her. No one like my mom and no one ever will be. Deceased? Don’t be surprised if she outlives us all. Workin’ full time taking care of two disabled guys in wheelchairs and one with a cane. God Bless Moms!

6) A porcelin doll. Old , looking antique. Maybe I’ll get it and drag it on the ground first. My mom loves antiques and Dolls. She has a room dedicated to nothing but dolls. It was my brothers and mine growing up so its a big room.hmmmm…..wondering if she just needed to fill that room when  brother and me took off. Maybe she doesn’t like dolls as much as I thought. Doesn’t matter cause I can see my mom smiling, happiness for a second…thats what matters.

5.) Hand written apology to my wife. Covers all and so true. Apology for what I don’t know. Apology for my disability? Kinda hard to apologize for something I have no control over, but I am trying.  When I conquer this, I will apologize it took so long.

4.) Film for my Poleroid Instamatic(yea still have one). A flag too. Maybe one of those orange jobbies you see at construction sites.

“I live in a van by the river” No van but next to the river.Kennebec and I could throw a rock to Swan Island, least I could when I was younger. Saw an eagle the other day , flew into my yard snagged a squirrel and flew up that huge oak and chowed down. Beautiful. Sunsets here are amazing. Orange, yellow,red…special.

You would swear when the sun goes down in the summer you can hear the hiss of the sun as it cools itself, lower and lower. Take these pics plus more, the bears, the foxes, the deer. Bury ‘em and plant the flag…enjoy!

3.) Think they are called ‘Snuggie’s’. You know that robe type deal that you put on so you don’t use to much heat furnace wise. My Dad , and m0st disabled people with a walking /balance disorder, has trouble with doors. When he lets the dog out to go to the bathroom he leaves the door open while he’s waiting. No matter if its below zero or in the single digits. And by the time night rolls around he is in his underwear with nothing but a towel over his lap! God it gets cold. I worry about him but you have to let him figure it out himself.

I walk with a cane so my feet are on the floor, friggin’ cold hardwood . Doesn’t bother people in wheelchairs because their feet are off the floor.

But he’s always sucking down OJ and water during the winter. Cold is gonna kill him.

2.)  Sit in the stands at my high school and see how many homeruns my oldest can pop out. Just one more time.

1.) The most recent Jackson Browne CD

Speaks for itself.

Speed Bumps

Seemed like there was always a begger tugging at my sleeve when I was younger. Not so much asking for a handout although they knew they would never go away empty. It was almost like a warning or an urging to get my ass in gear, take control again. Warning me I will be left behind. Like Bob Segar tells us”….never worried about the pain or even how much I owed.Guess I was truly “…breaking all the rules that would bend.”

Was making fair money. Not real good but what we needed and then some. The begger kept tugging but I ignored him. Its not broken why fix it. Should have sat up, tweak it some.

Average between 50,00-65,000 a year. Not bad but not great. Even keel. I was a salesman so sometimes comission was outstanding, sometimes it sucked. But vit all came out in the wash. Went to work everday and came home every night. Things were cool.

I had the world by the short and curlys. Maybe (and they did) some had it better, but I was alright. Yeah I moved a lot, but always in the same town. Always on the search for something better. I didn’t want, my kids didn’t want, thought my ex didn’t want,loved by all.

I looked around and that begger tugging at my sleeve was beginning to age, grow tired. He worked his ass off. Never took a vacation. Did the best for everyone else but I ignored him.

But he still tugged, he still pushed, he was always there. Pissed off when I brushed him off but always there.

Then the begger ’s beard turned gray, patches under his eyes,no more smile. The tugging was gone. Now it was a slash mark accross his throat. The end.

So quick, so decisive. Still in a cloud of smoke. Had no clue it was coming, wish the begger was here now.

That was then. Young, handsome, secure, happy, MORE THAN ABLE BODIED.

Then the surgeon said its there, has been forever just hiding. DAMMITT!!!!..and it all came down…..

No more Air Force,no more wife, no more construction, no sales….

Hung on for a while but compare disability to torture. Think of it, really the same thing. A slow PAINFUL experience inching closer and closer to the inevitable. Nothing you can do.

I have been trying to turn the corner for a while but the begger is not there to steer me, to guide me. Wondering where to now. Speed bumps really slowing me up.

Lots on my table right now. Court case to withdraw child support. Project Graduation(whats up?) New neurosurgeon tomorrow(always looking for more) DOT job(no work in 1 1/2 years)focus on writing(freelance), guitar lessons. Full boat.

But I’m tired. Beat. Up and down.

Hmmmmmmm wondering if I should just take a seat in a wheelchair, give up trying to correct, collect, and wait for the man.

Went to a bar the other nite, go to same place every saturday cause I like the bartender…she is freakin’ cute!!!!! But she hears me, I hear her and thats what matters. She has had insomnia for years, since she was 12 she’s like in her mid 30’s now. Been to therapists, been to all sorts of doctors, sleep studies, drugs.She gets about 4 hours of sleep per day.Damn……thats since she was 12 and she works about 45 hours a week. Single mom. Holding shit together./ But she is smiling, sparkling.

Frustrated. Is there anything else? She worries me. People I care for worry me when they are stuck. She is just in a frost heave below the speed bump. Slow down, glide thru it. hmmmmmmm maybe I’m that begger tugging at her sleeve,

I want to be your begger. Coming full circle.

Stop this crazy thing

A day like this in Maine, winter-cold-ice-freezing rain-cold, causes me to sit back and think about where we have been ,where we are now and where we are going.

Seems their has been quite a few of these days in a row, always something on my mind-a story line, a thought, a new tune. Its like my mind has been going 200 mph, nonstop. Like it.

People say I am a tried and true people person. From the younger years to today, love to see people smile. Guess you could say it gets me off. And when people smile because of something I did, and I know this….my heart actually leaps in my chest, my eyes get moist and a smile escapes from my lips.

I have been searching for this feeling for a long time. Yes it comes but not nearly as often. For example maybe in my 20’s or 30’s a this feeling was an everday thing 0r at least 3-4 times a week. Now I’m lucky if that feeling occurs 1x a month. Hard nowadays being a people person.

Why? I really don’t believe its my shortcomings. I try and see as many people as I can daily, but it is very hard to get out in Maine in the Winter in Maine. I like to go to my favorite bar and buy someone a drink, not to hit on them or anything. They may be lonely, they need a smile. If I travel anyplace that requires use of the turnpike I try and have at least double the amount of tolls it will take me to get to and from where I’m going. This way I can pay the way of the person in back of me. I don’t know him/her but hopefully I made them smile. And whenevee I pull up to the toll booth the attendant smiles. I made two people smile.

I do many things like this. Not to hit on anybody, not to make anyone nervous, but to bring back the contentment, the happiness that we all once knew 20 years ago. I honestly believe this country now lives in fear, insecurity…time to take it back.

Billy Graham’s Prayer For Our Nation
‘Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free. Amen!’
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, ‘The Rest of the Story,’ and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called ‘One nation under God.’

I’m not a religous person so to speak. I went to a Baptist church for many years while I was married but I guess you could say it never took. Guess you could say I went for the wrong reasons. Went for my wife, my kids, my in-laws, appearence….but not for myself.

Pastor Graham said a pryer which has been on my mind for a long time. Time for us to get back the respect we once had. Accountability. Stability.

Do you feel stable? Probably  not, the media has made sure we are on edge at all times. I wonder sometimes where they get their information. Simply put us all on alert. Its like we don’t control our own destiny, the media controls it. The Economy controls it. Business controls it. And then it filters down from the media to our caregivers to our young. Education is reacting to what we hear, not trying to remedy what is wrong.

Great spirits have always faced violent opposition from mediocre minds. But people are afraid to express themselves in fear of opposition. Opposition causes us to put our thoughts, ideas in order and allows us to prepare them for introduction. Seems though we are more worried about our ideas being “behind the times”. Maybe its high time we brought those ideas, thoughts forward.

My mother would say”…..back in the 60’s we were all poor sbut no-one paid much attention to it because everyone was in the same boat”

Wasn’t unusual to go next door and borrow some sugar. Maybe shovel their driveway. Maybe mow their lawn. They will do it for us. Now try that in todays society. You could be staring at a lawsuit. Maybe you live next door to a crack house. Maybe you’ll be staring down a barrel of a 12 gauge cause the hubby thinks you want to do his wife. Please…sick of this garbage.

Where are the smiles? Where are the people just working their asses off and being satisfied with what they have? Oh they bare still there but they are working MUCH harder due to the Entertainment industry,supposed trends,technology,music,movies, and of course the writings of so many ’self made gurus’ of technology.

Did we have CD’s in the 60’s? Did we have the computers we have today?Did we gto to the movies a couple times a week?Wii’s? Playstations?….psst, we survived without them.

We desparately need to get back to the attitudes of yesteryear. Get down to the heart of the matter

As George Jetson used to say:

“JANE…..STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!”

Loneliness and clique`s

A normative clique or reference group is often the primary source of social interaction for the members of the clique, which can affect the values and beliefs of an individual. The comparative clique or reference group is a standard of comparison in which a clique can exist in the workplace, in a community, in the classroom, in a business, or any other area of social interaction. Cliques tend to form within the boundaries of a larger group where opportunities to interact are great.^[2] Cliques are often associated with children and teenagers in a classroom setting. Schools are a prime place where peer network exist and can easily be accentuated through the differentiation of various cliques, and through the processes of inclusion and exclusion that characterize a clique.^[3]

Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Someone lonely may find it hard to form human contact.

mmmmmm…pretty similiar really. I’m wondering if they are the same words.

I have one problem with Wikipedias definition of cliques:

“Cliques are often associated with children and teenagers in a classroom setting.”

I submit that it occurs even at a more alarming rate OUTSIDE of the classroom , covering a large area of ages. Perhaps even more so in the 40 plus age brackett.

Not sure if I’m right? Pretty sure I am but test it yourself. Go to a league nite at your club, happy hour at the local pub, attendance in a chatroom. See it yet?

See the guy that just walked in ,. You with a few of your friends. How many of those people got up and bothered themselves by extending their hand? How many people said Good day to the newbie in the chatroom? What about that guy sitting at the bar alone? You buy him a drink?

I have seen this a million times and pretty sure I will see it more.

I’ve been in chat for approximately 8-10 years and I have yet to find a room WITHOUT a clique.

Initially I attempted to get in the clique, wanting to belong. Hell I even went to a few chat parties-and that was after building a relationship with many of the members. I have come to the conclusion unless your so and so’s cousin or something or live in pretty good proximety, it takes a herculean effort to scratch that itch.

Why? Thats a very obscure question. There are many reasons, so many a reasons 3-4 page blog might not touch the surface. Wrong hair color, wrong teeth color(lol), holes in the Jeans, ripped T-shirt or my personal favorite HE WALKS WITH A CANE!!! Meaning what? Not normal? Is retarded? Slow?

Tell me…I really want to know? Why? Is their a real reason? Ignore that pre-adolescent bullshit and come clean! Do you really know what your missing? Ask yourself who really is the one hurtin’?

Thier is not a person IN THE WORLD who doesn’t have an ‘obstacle’ they have to overcome on a daily basis, some more visible than others.

Maybe your think your ass is to big. Maybe you cramp up in cold weather. Maybe that new denture creme isn’t holding. Maybe your gassy, who knows and who cares? Are you afraid that someone elses obstacle may rub off on you? Is your self-esteem really that low?

…and then comes the cane.That is the first and only thing people see when I enter the room. People see nothing else and don’t want to see nothing else(kinda like that SGT. SHULTZ guy on Hogan’s Hero’s) I could walk in there with the largest smile,Armani suits, Gucci shoes,ripped to shreds from the gym and the only thing ANYONE sees is the cane. At that point its a done deal.

What makes people so scared, so insecure. I have no idea. I have come very close to giving up, but thats not in my charactor.

I will be there.I will be in your face. Let ‘em in.

Another year older

“Another year older and deeper in debt…”I wonder if Merle Travis was thinking of the year 2008 when he wrote those words for Tennesee Ernie Ford to wail out. Im not into country music at all but any type of music I hear I remember. Sometimes people don’t say what they want to, can’t get the words out, but when they put it too music sometimes the feeling is overwhelming.

Music has been so important to me over the years. I’m taken back almost daily by the whispering voices of Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Carly, Bob Segar, Rod Stewart, oh damn…on and on with Jonathan Edwards etc.(listening to Jackson Browne right now)so many stories, so many relationships, so many memories.

Back in 2004 I bought myself a six string steel string. No clue how to play(and still don’t really) but I could see myself sitting around the campfire, sitting in the park….just playing tunes. bringing people together.

When I’m challenged, 9 times out of 10 I rise above and beyond the challenge and I have challenged myself. You will see me i9n the park plucking my ass off. I will be around the campfire banging some Grateful Dead out. Its gonna happen, time is on my side.

Is that what is called a resolution? I hear of so many promises people make to themselves and watch them turn into broken promises in a few months.

Every year on December 31st I make sure I’m at Planet Fitness to watch the show. Its funny to watch. Today they had three people behind the desk and each had a line of 3-4 deep. (usually they have one person behind) Every machine in the place was filled with sometimes 2-3 people waiting. Fitness clubs are a great place to go on December 31st if your single!…lol

90% of the ‘newbies’ made a resolution. They will hang around for a while but starting next week numbers will drop, steady off in March and pick up slightly for the spring/summer. Broken promises…geesh.

So lets see:

1) Learn accoustic

2) Play catch with my two boys at Graduation. Never played catch with them but damn they make their Dad so proud and I think they are proud of their Dad

3) Waltz with my daughter. When she was a year old we were in Alabama (USAF) and my wife was at work while I had the day off. It was something like Percy Sledge Day.(He was from Alabama and wrote “when a man loves a woman”). I cranked the stereo and pickerd up my daughter and we waltzed to that tune. Priceless.

4) Purchase a trike. Been wanting to ride for yeares and years, always had an eye out. Well, probably gonna cost me but dammit I’m getting older and I want to travel some. See folks in Florida,Idaho, Texas

4) Much more research on Ataxia. Thats my number 1 resolution. Always has been and always will be. I’ll take more vitamins, work harder at the Gym,new meds, new doctors, a quest I don’t really need to make a resolution for,its a part of my life now and we have to play the cards we’re dealt

5) M0re and more concerts!

6) Get out more…re-connect with friends!

The country as a whole has had it rough, we have all been shoved. But I feel I’m starting to rise.

We can all make accusations about what this new Administration will do, not much there. Democrats, Republicans, Liberals, Conseravatives-does it really matter?

Stick to your resolutions, pray for our country….things WILL get better if you do these things

These things will make me happy therefore they are mine and will occur

Happy New Year Everyone!