Speed Bumps

Seemed like there was always a begger tugging at my sleeve when I was younger. Not so much asking for a handout although they knew they would never go away empty. It was almost like a warning or an urging to get my ass in gear, take control again. Warning me I will be left behind. Like Bob Segar tells us”….never worried about the pain or even how much I owed.Guess I was truly “…breaking all the rules that would bend.”

Was making fair money. Not real good but what we needed and then some. The begger kept tugging but I ignored him. Its not broken why fix it. Should have sat up, tweak it some.

Average between 50,00-65,000 a year. Not bad but not great. Even keel. I was a salesman so sometimes comission was outstanding, sometimes it sucked. But vit all came out in the wash. Went to work everday and came home every night. Things were cool.

I had the world by the short and curlys. Maybe (and they did) some had it better, but I was alright. Yeah I moved a lot, but always in the same town. Always on the search for something better. I didn’t want, my kids didn’t want, thought my ex didn’t want,loved by all.

I looked around and that begger tugging at my sleeve was beginning to age, grow tired. He worked his ass off. Never took a vacation. Did the best for everyone else but I ignored him.

But he still tugged, he still pushed, he was always there. Pissed off when I brushed him off but always there.

Then the begger ’s beard turned gray, patches under his eyes,no more smile. The tugging was gone. Now it was a slash mark accross his throat. The end.

So quick, so decisive. Still in a cloud of smoke. Had no clue it was coming, wish the begger was here now.

That was then. Young, handsome, secure, happy, MORE THAN ABLE BODIED.

Then the surgeon said its there, has been forever just hiding. DAMMITT!!!!..and it all came down…..

No more Air Force,no more wife, no more construction, no sales….

Hung on for a while but compare disability to torture. Think of it, really the same thing. A slow PAINFUL experience inching closer and closer to the inevitable. Nothing you can do.

I have been trying to turn the corner for a while but the begger is not there to steer me, to guide me. Wondering where to now. Speed bumps really slowing me up.

Lots on my table right now. Court case to withdraw child support. Project Graduation(whats up?) New neurosurgeon tomorrow(always looking for more) DOT job(no work in 1 1/2 years)focus on writing(freelance), guitar lessons. Full boat.

But I’m tired. Beat. Up and down.

Hmmmmmmm wondering if I should just take a seat in a wheelchair, give up trying to correct, collect, and wait for the man.

Went to a bar the other nite, go to same place every saturday cause I like the bartender…she is freakin’ cute!!!!! But she hears me, I hear her and thats what matters. She has had insomnia for years, since she was 12 she’s like in her mid 30’s now. Been to therapists, been to all sorts of doctors, sleep studies, drugs.She gets about 4 hours of sleep per day.Damn……thats since she was 12 and she works about 45 hours a week. Single mom. Holding shit together./ But she is smiling, sparkling.

Frustrated. Is there anything else? She worries me. People I care for worry me when they are stuck. She is just in a frost heave below the speed bump. Slow down, glide thru it. hmmmmmmm maybe I’m that begger tugging at her sleeve,

I want to be your begger. Coming full circle.